I was tempted to title this "My Recurring e-Harmony Nightmare" because that's what it feels like. At first it was humorous. Then amusing. Eventually annoying. And now agonizing. Just when I think it's gone for good, that I've worked through whatever issue it stems from, it returns. Again. And again.
It goes like this: I am 40 (before I was 40, it was my late thirties), I am single, I am depressed, I am feeling my biological clock tick. I feel scared and lonely and desperate. Just when I am going through this panic/dread, I have an epiphany: e-Harmony! But of course! Why didn't I think of that sooner?! I need to get online right now and meet the man of my dreams.
Sometimes it ends right there. Other times just as I'm planning to try it, I realize that I am married and have children...and I am very happy to suddenly remember that. The other night - it had been a while since my last e-Harmony dream - I actually didn't even get as far as e-Harmony, and there was a bit of twist, because this time it was all about wanting children, and being afraid I wouldn't be able to. It was a horrible feeling, so I was whimpering in my sleep, and my husband woke me up and comforted me. That was a better ending than usual, but I still can't figure out why I have this dream over and over, albeit sporadically. It's been happening for the last three or four years or maybe even longer. I would say I've dreamt it at least ten times, about once a quarter, sometimes in clusters, sometimes with long stretches in between.My theories thus far:
1. During my decade long quest for my soulmate, searching for "the one" became part of my identity and purpose in life, so those roots are resurfacing (read more here
2. When e-Harmony came out, shortly after I met my husband, I thought it was really cool, since it used Myers-Briggs personality typing to match people. Part of me was disappointed that I didn't get to try it - not because I didn't think my husband was the right guy for me, but because of my insatiable curiosity.
3. It's somehow representative of all my deepest fears - of unfulfilled longings, unmet expectations, abandonment, inadequacy, etc.
4. It's a sign for me to pray for my single friends and to encourage them to sign up for e-Harmony. I've actually done this. Both praying and nudging.
...Well, when I told my husband what my bad dream was, he had the best explanation yet:
It's so that I'll wake up thankful to God for my family.
Soulmates aren't the same or even equal - there is a sameness about the, but it's not the way I always imagined. Before I met my husband, I thought that my soulmate would be my equal, and I his - equally attractive, intelligent, intellectual, spiritual, honest, and so on. Except of course in the traditional men/women characteristics - I imagined him taller, stronger, more courageous, confident, etc.
In fact, I married a man who is shorter, not as intellectual as I am, more attractive (well, at least I think so), and very different from me (besides our male/female differences), yet we are soulmates. In the early years of our marriage I wondered if I had made a mistake. We fought often and ugly - he didn't seem to "get me" so much of the time, and I didn't totally trust him. We weren't reading each others' minds and we had a great deal of trouble even understanding each others' words! Our communication styles and our ways of operating seemed to be totally opposite. Despite the conflict, we persevered, got outside help (parents, counselors, pastors), and kept working things out, even if was the same fight we had resolved ten times before. As we did that, a funny thing happened - we began to understand each other, accept each other, and actually become more alike!
Our stubborn refusal to give up communicating kept us constantly connected. And the other half of the time, we were mostly just enjoying, or at least being with one another. We were also having babies (three in those first five years, during which we moved homes every year, moved our business twice, and bought a house) and raising our children together. What we did have in common grew deeper - both of us prefer intuiting (N on the MBTI) and feeling (F), which makes us passsionate visionaries/counselors/artists (NF idealist on the Keirsey Sorter), but he prefers extroversion (E) and perceiving (P), while I prefer introversion (I) and judging (J). We actually found a book about ENFPs married to INFJs! Having an NF temperament was part of what made us both so willing to dialogue and grow and nurture our relationship with each other as well as our individual relationships with God. Our contrasting preferences created friction, but iron really does sharpen iron - it also forged each of us into being more well-rounded and preserved a sense of mystery/tension that helped keep the romance alive.
As we grew in our marriage, I began to realize that my husband was my soulmate. I started to see so many amazing qualities in him that blessed me and our children and the people around us. He does "get me" in a way no one else does. And I "get him" too, but even more than that, he loves me and serves me like Jesus. There is no more soulmate than that. My goal now is to become his soulmate - he would say I already am, he is so grace filled, he doesn't see the inequality, or maybe it's just that he chooses not to measure, which I shouldn't be doing either, because none of is worthy of our very soul, let alone a soulmate, yet the God of the universe loves us so much that he not only gives us life, but eternal souls, along with earthly soulmates. Both my soulmate and I know that there is only one who truly knows us in our deepest parts - the One who created us and with whom we will always be one.
I didn't realize how damaged I was until I started a family. My upbringing mingled with my sinful nature were what I brought into my marriage and motherhood. Thankfully God's grace had been at work all along, so that despite (and even because of) my frailties, I continued to be his image bearer in many ways - I was saved and kept by my Heavenly Father instead of wrecked by the abuse, brokenness, and dysfunction of my home(s). My innocence, purity, and character were evidence of the Lord's hand on my life, of Jesus dwelling in my heart, and the Holy Spirit directing my path. Still, there were wounds - from others and the ones I inflicted upon myself when I came of age - both of which he bore for me on the cross. They did not all come to light until this past decade, a season of uniting myself with another human being and our offspring.
In addition to struggling with my sinful, selfish self, there has been the challenge of living something new that I didn't see modeled. An only child of a divorced, remarried mother who worked full-time outside the home has not been trained to be a stay-at-home mother of three, let alone homeschool teacher. I'm breaking new ground, while mucking about in the dirt of the present and pulling weeds from my past. It has taken me ten years to learn and do things that suddenly seem obvious and basic. I feel like I'm so slow, but then I remember that I'm a pioneer - starting a family of my own is a journey, one that has been arduous and exhilarating at the same time, so it makes sense that I'm only now beginning to get settled.